Texts from Douchebags: Los Angeles edition

by Daphne Reese

After all my talk about using Vonage to make boys call instead of text, have I given up texting entirely? Hardly. And since I’m still texting boys, I’m still getting a lot of texts from douchebags. And so today begins a new recurring series at Stilettos: Texts from Douchebags! Today we have quite the text conversation for you, courtesy of Matt-Steve.

Matt-Steve is a native Bostonian-turned-LA-transplant whom I met while he was home over the holidays. I’m pretty sure he originally introduced himself as Matt, but then it turned out his name was Steve, hence the double moniker. People in LA are known for being superficial, but Matt-Steve really takes it to the next level. He claimed to be in the “music industry,” which I’m sure helps him bang lots of bimbos in LA desperate to get their bands discovered. But he is clearly out of practice when it comes to courting respectable Boston women.

I met him at a bar, yes, but then he proceeded to ask me out twice—both times for late-night drinks where he was already hammered and obviously angling for a booty call. Tired of his antics, I bailed out early on the second night, gathered up my girlfriends and said we were going home. In truth, we just walked down the block to the next bar.

Dec. 24, 1:17am
Matt-Steve: Not sure how the wheels fell off but I continually love hanging out with you.

Meanwhile, at Bar #2, I had already met a new guy and was shamelessly making out with him. Right about then Matt-Steve, looking for a change of scenery, comes walking into the bar and discovers me mid-makeout session with Guy #2.

Dec. 24, 1:58am
Matt-Steve: Lose my number

Daphne: Will do. Just bc I’m feeling generous, an explanation: you remind me of my ex-boyfriend. Also, you would have done better inviting me out to dinner instead of out for drinks twice in a row. That is all.

Matt-Steve: I’m sorry you are just being you and I saw it and this is me telling you I’m disappointed. Very. Also, I live in LA where girls in Boston that are “hot” are very average. So, physically, that wasn’t the draw.

Wow, so I’m not “LA hot?” Ouch. I wasn’t even going to respond, but then my friends convinced me we should have some fun with Matt-Steve. So, we decided to see how outrageously shallow we could get before Matt-Steve realized we were joking (apparently, it took him a while!). All “Daphne” texts from this point on are 100% bullshit just to mess with him.

Dec. 24, 3:51am
Daphne: I’m disappointed that you are disappointed (very) in me, it’s truly worse than you being mad at me for making out with that other guy, but he had nice jeans. Also, I consider myself in a range of 7.5 to 9 (Chicago Ranking) and I think of you as like an 8, so I thought we matched up quite well. BTW is your name Matt or Steve?

Matt-Steve: I don’t do “number” rankings and make out with people because of their jeans. I’m an adult. Physically I found you attractive but it was more chemistry because “looks” only go so far and unfortunately I believe this may be as far as we go for now because I leave Tuesday.

Dec. 24, 11:21am
Matt-Steve: Haha just read through all these texts. How do you come up with a “Chicago” number ranking and is that weighed differently than Boston?

Daphne: Listen, Frank, after being called “average” I felt the need to give you my most recent “Hot or Not” (national) score. (It’s an 8.7, nbd) And speaking of chemistry, slight correction from last text: he had nice “genes” not “jeans” (autocorrect). Do you have a Hot or Not score? Seriously is your name Matt or Steve?

Matt-Steve: (evidently googled “Hot or Not” and discovered the website for the first time): Holy shit, there is a website that you submitted a picture to be judged by a score? This is unreal, learning so much, who needs dinner.

Daphne: So you don’t have a Hot or Not profile?

Matt-Steve: Never heard of it. Send me your profile I have to check it out. You thinking I’m an 8 and the women accosting me after you left is all the validation I need.

(Because I do not actually have a Hot or Not profile, I send him nothing).

Dec. 24, 10:48pm
Matt-Steve: No way you are a real blonde.

(Trying to insult me, I suppose. Is questioning one’s blondeness the ultimate insult in LA?)

Daphne: And no way you are a real ginger.

Matt-Steve: Gingers are red heads. I’m dirty blonde.

(This is hilarious because Matt-Steve is obviously in denial. His hair is red, his face is freckled, and he is a textbook ginger).

Since Matt-Steve clearly is not getting that this is all a joke, I decide to clue him in.

Dec. 24, 11:20pm
Daphne: Obviously I’m hilarious and 100% messing with you. Maybe you would have found that out sooner if you had showed some interest in getting to know me rather than grinding my ass. I think you’d best return to LA where girls might be stupid enough to go for your “take me home” line.

Matt-Steve: It’s obvious we’re both messing around. Hilarious is an overstatement but you are kind of funny and personable. I’m not in the market for anything deeper than a little fun, so you should actually respect the fact that I didn’t pretend to be interested in more. You should have seen my moves after you left.

Daphne: Yeah yeah, and all the girls were hitting on you, coincidentally just as soon as we left. Well, this has been fun. I am going to refer back to the original “lose my #” text and do just that.

Matt-Steve: You’re mean

Daphne: You’re median

Matt-Steve: So I’m average as well 🙂

Matt-Steve just doesn’t want to let this go. He texts again the following day.

Dec. 25, 1:37pm
Matt-Steve: Merry Christmas Scrooge McHighmaintanence

Daphne: Thanks! You too, Nightmare Before Christmas.

Dec. 25, 5:56pm
Matt-Steve: Too bad hot or not doesn’t have a personality ranking. You’d move up a few points. Had I known you could keep up with the humor I would have willingly hung out with you sober.

I’ve stopped responding in the hope that Matt-Steve will go away. But the next day, another text comes in.

Dec. 26, 8:23pm
Matt-Steve: I’m leaving tomorrow, do you want me to lose your number or text you next time around? I forgive you for making out with that mongoloid human after me.

Daphne: Wait, I thought I was supposed to lose your number. I’m confused.

Matt-Steve: Initially I was disappointed because I tend to put women on an unachievable pedestal and while I don’t have confidence that you wouldn’t leave me in a second to go make out with another dude… You are interesting enough to keep in the rotation. I’m sure it was because you felt disrespected with my antics of not getting your number or asking you on a date.

Yes, Matt-Steve, that’s partly it. Also, you’re a complete douchebag.

At this point, you might expect Matt-Steve to stop texting. But clearly I have gotten under his skin somehow. Probably he’s not used to dating intelligent women who will stand up to him and call him out on his BS.

Dec. 30, 11:45pm

Matt-Steve: I tell women that are rude in Boston that I see hotter girls working at Trader Joes out here. It’s part of my charm. You have a better personality than most girls at Trader Joes. That work?

Daphne: Ha. I’m never quite sure if you’re joking, or the most shallow man on earth. I guess that’s just part of your charm.

Matt-Steve: Says the girl who couldn’t remember my name… I’ll keep you on your toes but I keep it real. I’ve thrown compliments your way and “pumped your tires”

Jan 5, 11:46am
Matt-Steve: 80 and sunny again. There’s a reason women out here have the personality of a grapefruit.

Is the dating scene in LA truly this awful? I decided to ask Chopstick’s opinion, since he moved to LA last year from Boston.

Daphne: Are people in LA really as superficial and stupid as the stereotype makes them out to be?

Chopstick: Oh yes. Yes they are are. Disappointingly so. Matt-Steve does strike me as a native. On average, the cute girl in Boston on the subway in a hoodie ends up being a Harvard law student or something who has her shit ridiculously together. On average, the stunner in LA ends up trying to impress you with the last Victoria’s Secret event she went to, so she can disguise her dead-end cocktail waitress career and thinly veiled upbringing issues.

Yikes! As hopeless as the Boston dating scene sometimes seems to be, at least we can all be thankful we’re not in LA.

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January 11, 2012. Tags: , , , . Texts from Douchebags. 2 comments.

Shopping for condoms

by Daphne Reese

I don’t know who invented these new Trojan “Extended Pleasure” condoms, but it definitely wasn’t a woman.  “Climax Control Lubricant?” “Male Genital Desensitizer?” It must have been conceived by a man with some sick, masochistic fantasy of having his dick go numb during sex.

If you’ve recently gone prophyllactics shopping, the first thing you’ll notice is the incredible variety of condoms on sale today.  When did they invent all these new kinds? Ribbed, ultra ribbed, flavors and colors, Fire & Ice, Ecstacy, latex, non-latex.  And then there are the Magnums, which definitely there are large men who need them, but let’s be honest, I’ll bet every man in America has bought these at least once just to see how they fit, when most of them had no business even trying.

So, you’re in the condom aisle, overwhelmed by the choices that confront you.  In my experience as a woman, all condoms are pretty much the same, as far as I can tell.  I always just go for the plain ol’ Lubricated Trojans.  But, I’m willing to concede that the condom choice probably makes a lot more difference to the guy, so I tend to leave that up to them.  Chopstick, for example, is partial to Durex Elites. Aaron tends to switch up his selection and the other night, unfortunately for us, he absentmindedly picked up a box of the sexual torture device known as Extended Pleasure condoms.  Upon reading the box, I was instantly dismayed.  Designed to prevent premature ejaculation?

I know being too quick a draw is a real problem for a few guys, and I’ve seen it firsthand a time or two, such as when one guy in high school actually came while rolling on the condom.  (I laughed but felt bad, since he was so embarrassed).  But in general, I don’t think this is a real problem for most people.  I have almost never been annoyed that a guy came too fast.  More often, it’s like “Okay, dude, time to wrap it up.”

I think this is a big point of miscommunication between men and women.  We want longer foreplay, and a long-enough-but-not-too-long penetration session (like 5-20 minutes-ish).  Men, apparently, think we want them to bang away like jackhammers for 45 minutes to an hour and are buying numbing-agent condoms to help themselves do so. (Where’s the numbing agent for all the sore vaginas out there?)

Since coming too soon has never been a problem for Aaron, I was wary of trying out the new condoms.  How long could this possibly go on?  As it turned out, however, the experience was much worse for Aaron.  At first, he said the condom felt like a normal condom, but after a few minutes, the numbing agent started to kick in, and he pulled out in horror and ripped off the condom. “It feels like my penis fell asleep,” he explained. “It scared me.” We threw the rest of the box away.

So, readers be warned! Stay away from the numbing condoms. And guys, for the sake of women everywhere, will you please stop being so concerned about winning the marathon sex Olympics?

May 6, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Nerdy guys: A field guide

by Daphne Reese

Last week, when I wrote about my love for nerdy guys, reader Jills pointed out that all of my “nerds” were specifically technology and science nerds, and she asked: do I find other types of nerds attractive?  I gave it some thought and have come up with four additional categories of nerds:

Music Nerds

This week I went to a jazz performance at the Berklee School of Music and spent the entire show mesmerized by the sexy upright bass player in the front row (see photo).  His long hair fell down over his eyes, his fingers expertly stroking the strings, his body swaying; it was fascinating to watch his obvious immersion in the music, his passion for his art.  I think it’s important to differentiate here between true music nerds and guitar players/drummers.  I’ve always had a major weakness for guys with guitars, but they’re usually more Rock Star than Nerd.  Music nerds, by contrast, generally play an unconventionally sexy instrument–maybe something with strings or a reed–and display a nerdy dedication to the discipline of music that is highly attractive.

Philosophy Nerds

Philosophical discussions take us outside of ourselves, leading us to think about the larger world view, and can be very seductive.  The Asia-phile nerd from last week, Chopstick, told me he is studying Eastern philosophy and is currently reading the Tao of Meditation, which teaches one how to begin on the road to Enlightenment, which according to Chopstick, involves “unlearning things you already know.”  I’ve discovered that I find the optimistic philosophers far more attractive than the pessimists.  The dark, brooding cynic who makes you read The Unbearable Lightness of Being and whose wry humor drips with sarcasm can be fascinating in college, but those same qualities that were cute at 22 can begin to seem tedious and sadly outgrown when the same guy reaches age 27.

Sci-Fi Nerds

I’ve never been big into Sci-Fi, but it’s definitely not a deal-breaker, either.  Maybe if the guy were obsessively into LARPing (Live Action Role Playing a wizard or knight while in costume) I would be a little scared, but I can handle a collection of Chewbacca figurines or the occasional Star Trek quote.  A Star Wars wedding would happen over my dead body, but if the bride and groom are both into that sort of thing, then may the force be with them.

Book Nerds

Men who like to read and learn new things are always sexy.  While searching for this photo, I discovered there is an entire voyeuristic photo blog dedicated to surreptitiously snapping photos of hot guys reading books.  At its heart, that’s where all the attractiveness of nerds really lies–the pursuit of knowledge and eagerness to explore.  We all want to meet someone who teaches us new things and leads us to new life experiences that we otherwise wouldn’t have had.

Of course, there are many other species of nerds out there.  What’s your favorite type of nerd?

February 27, 2011. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

The Higgs boson particle of love

by Daphne Reese

IClark Kent have a thing for nerdy guys.  Intelligence is the sexiest trait that a man can have.  Combine that with some Android developer skills, a white lab coat, or even just a pair of Clark Kent glasses, and I am hooked.  I’m sure I’m not alone here.  In fact, my friend Parker admitted it was not a coincidence that she got back together with an ex-boyfriend the day she saw him in his brand new Clark Kent glasses.

Last week I went on a first date with a guy who seems to be very smart. In the course of conversation, this guy somehow started talking about the Higgs boson particle, Higgs-boson particleand I was instantly enthralled.  Having never taken a physics class, I don’t quite grasp what the hell the Higgs boson is or exactly what significance it has to the theory of particle physics.  In fact, I believe the last time I heard mention of it was by my ex-boyfriend the chemical engineer.  And it was just as sexy when he described it.  I hate to be so easily impressed, but when a man starts dropping physics terms, it’s like conversational Spanish fly.

Is this a thing that guys do?  Memorize some spiel about a complex, brainy topic and use it to mesmerize unsuspecting, defenseless girls in their path?  (If so, well done, boys.  Well done.)

Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be a science term.  Parker recently confided that the moment she was finally seduced by this one guy was when he said one little magic word—“finite.”  While not strictly a genius-level word, in her defense, this man was absolutely gorgeous and in no way expected to be intelligent.  Knowing how to use big words like “finite” was just a nice add-on.

This weekend, while out at Alibi with the girls, I noticed a cute, tall guy wearing Clark Kent glasses.  Our eyes met, and he immediately walked over and introduced himself.  Within moments, we were making out.  In addition to the always-deadly Clark Kent frames, this guy had a whole list of dreamy nerd traits: he was a scientist, graduated from West Point, and writes novels in his spare time.  He was wearing a t-shirt with Chinese characters on it, causing my girlfriend to instantly dub him “Chopstick.”  When I asked Chopstick what his shirt meant, he replied that it said “dragon,” while casually mentioning the fact that he is, in fact, fluent in Mandarin.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he deliberately wears that shirt to the bars just so he can drop his Chinese language skills into conversation.  It’s no secret that girls love foreign language speakers, especially when it involves a sexy-sounding accent like French.  Mandarin may be less appreciated as a tool of seduction, but it definitely gets extra points for nerdiness.

Of course, intelligence, like beauty, is often in the eye of the beholder.  Other girls might be bored by talk of string theory, or worse, feel insulted or think that their date is trying to show off.  Have you ever been seduced by soft whisperings of E=mc2?  Share your story in the comments.

February 22, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.