Shopping for condoms

by Daphne Reese

I don’t know who invented these new Trojan “Extended Pleasure” condoms, but it definitely wasn’t a woman.  “Climax Control Lubricant?” “Male Genital Desensitizer?” It must have been conceived by a man with some sick, masochistic fantasy of having his dick go numb during sex.

If you’ve recently gone prophyllactics shopping, the first thing you’ll notice is the incredible variety of condoms on sale today.  When did they invent all these new kinds? Ribbed, ultra ribbed, flavors and colors, Fire & Ice, Ecstacy, latex, non-latex.  And then there are the Magnums, which definitely there are large men who need them, but let’s be honest, I’ll bet every man in America has bought these at least once just to see how they fit, when most of them had no business even trying.

So, you’re in the condom aisle, overwhelmed by the choices that confront you.  In my experience as a woman, all condoms are pretty much the same, as far as I can tell.  I always just go for the plain ol’ Lubricated Trojans.  But, I’m willing to concede that the condom choice probably makes a lot more difference to the guy, so I tend to leave that up to them.  Chopstick, for example, is partial to Durex Elites. Aaron tends to switch up his selection and the other night, unfortunately for us, he absentmindedly picked up a box of the sexual torture device known as Extended Pleasure condoms.  Upon reading the box, I was instantly dismayed.  Designed to prevent premature ejaculation?

I know being too quick a draw is a real problem for a few guys, and I’ve seen it firsthand a time or two, such as when one guy in high school actually came while rolling on the condom.  (I laughed but felt bad, since he was so embarrassed).  But in general, I don’t think this is a real problem for most people.  I have almost never been annoyed that a guy came too fast.  More often, it’s like “Okay, dude, time to wrap it up.”

I think this is a big point of miscommunication between men and women.  We want longer foreplay, and a long-enough-but-not-too-long penetration session (like 5-20 minutes-ish).  Men, apparently, think we want them to bang away like jackhammers for 45 minutes to an hour and are buying numbing-agent condoms to help themselves do so. (Where’s the numbing agent for all the sore vaginas out there?)

Since coming too soon has never been a problem for Aaron, I was wary of trying out the new condoms.  How long could this possibly go on?  As it turned out, however, the experience was much worse for Aaron.  At first, he said the condom felt like a normal condom, but after a few minutes, the numbing agent started to kick in, and he pulled out in horror and ripped off the condom. “It feels like my penis fell asleep,” he explained. “It scared me.” We threw the rest of the box away.

So, readers be warned! Stay away from the numbing condoms. And guys, for the sake of women everywhere, will you please stop being so concerned about winning the marathon sex Olympics?

May 6, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

A roll in the hay down memory lane

by Daphne Reese

First love.  What is it about some of those first few boys you fall for that is so powerful and lasting?  The feelings were so intense back then.  The flutter in your stomach when he looked at you and leaned in to kiss you for the first time.  The absolute gut-wrenching despair of your first broken heart.

It turns out there really is something to early love that sticks with you throughout your life.   It happens all the time: old lovers run into each other at a high school reunion and experience the same feelings they had felt years, even decades, earlier.

There’s a certain boy from my past that I’ve just never been able to forget—Aaron.  The moment I first saw him at a student council convention when I was 16, I immediately sensed something special.  For the next few years, we carried on a passionate affair that never had a chance to really develop, but always remained burning steady in the background.  Because of distance, we were only able to see each other once or twice a year, but it was incredibly intense each time, with powerful sexual chemistry.  In the end, we went off to different colleges in different states and just never met up again, although we kept in touch sporadically through the years by email, then MySpace, and later Facebook.  I haven’t seen him in eight years.

All of this leads up to my big announcement: next week begins Daphne’s Coast-to-Coast Ex-Boyfriend Tour!  First stop will be San Francisco, where I’ll be seeing John—the ex-boyfriend I left when I moved to Boston.  Then, I head to Colorado Springs, where I will see Aaron for the first time in nearly a decade and find out whether the magnetic attraction we felt back then is still there.

The tour was partly inspired by my friend Parker, who undertook her own international ex-boyfriend tour to Chile last year.  Her review was that although she had fun, she remembered why she had broken up with the former beaus in the first place.

I’m excited to embark on my own tour of Loves Past and see where it goes.  It’s romantic to think that Aaron and I might end up together after all this time apart, but then I also think: if I had the guy in high school, what the hell have I been doing for the last ten years?

February 25, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.