Ex Sex

By Parker Lee

Though not an original topic (in fact, apparently there are even rules, most of which I agree with entirely), the act of ex sex is still really something of a mystery.

So you’ve determined that he’s not the one – the two of you simply are not meant to be.  You split up your assets: you take your toothbrush home and give him and back that undershirt that you know you didn’t really look as cute in as he said you did anyway.  Those things are always so boxy.

But then, in the most contradictory of moves, you  soon solicit a booty call… and that inevitably becomes a series of booty calls.  I’ve determined that the amount of time you’re with a guy is directly correlated to the amount of time that you continue to have ex sex after the break up. Generally, that positive correlation looks something like this:

In real life, for me, it actually looks more like this:

So what is it – that ‘je ne sais quoi’ – that makes ex sex so appealing?  Most of the reasons are fairly salient: he’s familiar, you’re comfortable with him, he knows what you like, etc.… But then there are also those that might not be so obvious:

Six-Pack Check: He put on 12 pounds while you were together – I always like to give it a month or so and see whether he’s gotten his abs back.  I still don’t know whether I should be insulted if he has.

Riding Bareback:  Condoms: a necessary evil – but not if you’ve already done it without them 800 times.

Shaving Cream Conservation:  At the end of the day, you want him to remember you in your ideal state, but he’s seen what emerges with a full moon before, so what’s the harm?

And most importantly…

Avoiding List Additions:  Recently, Daphne and I hosted a List Party (inspired by that Duke chick) – we had some girls over and we all viewed one another’s PowerPoint presentations of the men we’ve slept with.

Great party theme – but also a rude reminder that if this trajectory continues exponentially, you might end up competing in the numbers game with, like, Ron Jeremy.  Who wants to be on the same playing field with that hideous werewolf of a being?  I don’t even want to practice there.

What are your reasons for going back for ex sex?

March 4, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Kindle-ing a New Flame

by Parker Lee

As part of my new life as Travelling Tammy (thanks, Teddy), I recently purchased a Kindle.  I went all out: 3G, a flowery skin and pink case to really accessorize that bitch….  Hot.  Not that I plan to use the Kindle to pick up guys…

But I’ve always had this fantasy that one day I’ll get on a plane and squeeze into the middle seat next to my Romeo (and it wouldn’t hurt if he looked like Leonardo DiCaprio, but more like the one from The Beach than Romeo & Juliet) in the aisle seat next to me.  He and I would spend the first couple hours of the flight regaling one another with tales of our travels and completely in-synch lives – I would insist that he not get up to let me out of the row to use the lavatory – “I’ll just climb over.”  By the return from my third bathroom trip (it will be at least a four-hour flight), we’d be back in our seats basking in the glow of our induction into the coveted Mile High Club.

So an easy conversation-starter like the Kindle can’t hurt, right?  WRONG!

WHAT is going on with the Kindle screensavers?  Are you kidding me, Kindle?  When I think of the Kindle as a conversation-starter, I think “Oh, I’ve been thinking about getting one of those, how do you like it?” not “What is that bizarre Herculean cowboy scene?” or “Are those drowning children?”

My first experience with the screensaver was this intricate black and white drawing of little birdies on a little branch came up.  Aw, lovely, well done Kindle.  That’s how they get you.  Then the truth came out.  Don’t get me wrong, so far it seems that half of the size of the Kindle is actually made up of the memory drive for these images – there seem to be a plethora on “shuffle” – but there REALLY are awkward Herculean drawings and apparently drawings of drowning children (I haven’t seen that one myself yet, but from what I have seen, I think I should probably brace myself).

I’ve Googled how to change it – it’s not exactly easy, you have to step into like the Kindle VBA code, it requires you to load your own images instead, and it compromises your Kindle license or something that sounds important like that.

So instead of the irresistibly sexy stranger in the aisle seat next to me beckoning me to act as Kindle maven, he won’t even talk to me because, since he doesn’t yet own a Kindle and doesn’t yet know about these horrifyingly awkward screensaver images, he’ll wonder what’s wrong with me, believing that I actually like that creepy-intense drawing of Emily Dickinson on the front of it.  And his assumption wouldn’t be anywhere near out of line, because every other electronic device of this nature allows and encourages you (by making it so easy) to pick something that you want to look at while your device is sleeping, instead of this:

Why do you think you’re better than everyone, Kindle?

February 28, 2011. Uncategorized. 1 comment.