No, I would not like to see a photo of your dick

by Daphne Reese

Men are visual creatures.  I get that.  But why do so many of them hold on to the mistaken notion that women want to see pictures of their dicks?

You hear about it all the time on the news. Brett Favre, Pete Wentz, and other celebrities have all been embarrassed by public scandals that erupted after they sexted photos of their junk, uninvited, to incredulous women who undoubtedly laughed hysterically while showing the photos to their girlfriends, just before calling up the tabloids to start a bidding war.

I think this is a classic example of the male fallacy that women think like men do when it comes to sex.  Most guys would probably be stoked (or stroked!) if a girl sent them some nude photos of herself.  Therefore, they reason, she must be equally psyched to receive a photo of his dong!  (Wrong!)

Don’t get us wrong, boys, we girls do love dick. But let’s face it, the organ is pretty ugly. Particularly if you were not fortunate enough to be circumcised as a baby. Seeing a picture of your cock does not turn us on so much as it causes us to double over in fits of laughter while showing it to as many girlfriends as possible.

Recently, at a tech conference that was admittedly full of geeky guys lacking any social skills, a guy who had been flirting with me for maybe 10 minutes suddenly started bragging about his large penis.  “Would you like to see a photo?” he asked.  Hardly believing him, I said sure.  He immediately whipped out a cell phone and showed me a self-taken photo of his scary-big, horribly veiny, uncircumcised member, hard in his hand.  He was obviously very proud.  “Do you like it?” he asked.  (That is, indeed, the real photo posted here, although I have blurred it out to make it somewhat less disturbing).

Naturally, once I told the girls this story, they insisted on seeing the photo for themselves.  So, I sent the guy a flirty email: “Hey, could I see that sexy photo of your dick again?”  He was more than happy to oblige.  I realize I probably did him, as well as any future women he meets, a great disservice by pretending to actually like the photo, but what else could I say?  “Hey, will you send me that photo of your dick so my friends and I can laugh at it and I can post it on my dating blog?”  Which is exactly what happened.

May 25, 2011. Tags: , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Shopping for condoms

by Daphne Reese

I don’t know who invented these new Trojan “Extended Pleasure” condoms, but it definitely wasn’t a woman.  “Climax Control Lubricant?” “Male Genital Desensitizer?” It must have been conceived by a man with some sick, masochistic fantasy of having his dick go numb during sex.

If you’ve recently gone prophyllactics shopping, the first thing you’ll notice is the incredible variety of condoms on sale today.  When did they invent all these new kinds? Ribbed, ultra ribbed, flavors and colors, Fire & Ice, Ecstacy, latex, non-latex.  And then there are the Magnums, which definitely there are large men who need them, but let’s be honest, I’ll bet every man in America has bought these at least once just to see how they fit, when most of them had no business even trying.

So, you’re in the condom aisle, overwhelmed by the choices that confront you.  In my experience as a woman, all condoms are pretty much the same, as far as I can tell.  I always just go for the plain ol’ Lubricated Trojans.  But, I’m willing to concede that the condom choice probably makes a lot more difference to the guy, so I tend to leave that up to them.  Chopstick, for example, is partial to Durex Elites. Aaron tends to switch up his selection and the other night, unfortunately for us, he absentmindedly picked up a box of the sexual torture device known as Extended Pleasure condoms.  Upon reading the box, I was instantly dismayed.  Designed to prevent premature ejaculation?

I know being too quick a draw is a real problem for a few guys, and I’ve seen it firsthand a time or two, such as when one guy in high school actually came while rolling on the condom.  (I laughed but felt bad, since he was so embarrassed).  But in general, I don’t think this is a real problem for most people.  I have almost never been annoyed that a guy came too fast.  More often, it’s like “Okay, dude, time to wrap it up.”

I think this is a big point of miscommunication between men and women.  We want longer foreplay, and a long-enough-but-not-too-long penetration session (like 5-20 minutes-ish).  Men, apparently, think we want them to bang away like jackhammers for 45 minutes to an hour and are buying numbing-agent condoms to help themselves do so. (Where’s the numbing agent for all the sore vaginas out there?)

Since coming too soon has never been a problem for Aaron, I was wary of trying out the new condoms.  How long could this possibly go on?  As it turned out, however, the experience was much worse for Aaron.  At first, he said the condom felt like a normal condom, but after a few minutes, the numbing agent started to kick in, and he pulled out in horror and ripped off the condom. “It feels like my penis fell asleep,” he explained. “It scared me.” We threw the rest of the box away.

So, readers be warned! Stay away from the numbing condoms. And guys, for the sake of women everywhere, will you please stop being so concerned about winning the marathon sex Olympics?

May 6, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.