Pretend Period

by Daphne Reese

For any guys reading this blog, I’m about to blow the lid off a well-kept female secret—the pretend period.  It’s always the perfect excuse to easily avoid any unwanted intimate situations.  Just tell the guy you’re having your period, and voila, he instantly backs off.  It’s not like he’s going to check.

In the rare case where you run into an eager beaver who tells you he doesn’t care about the blood, you can always feign disgust.  “Ew, really?” and make it clear to him that it ain’t happening tonight.  Or probably ever, to be honest.  Because once you reach the point where you’re so desperate to avoid the guy that you’re lying about your menstrual cycle, you know things are pretty much over.

The big limitation with the period excuse is timing: it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card that is valid only for a 5-day stretch once per month.  The guy will rightfully become suspicious if you feign your flow one week, only to have your period again (perhaps for real this time) the following week.  However, Parker has identified the perfect work-around to this limitation—birth control pills.  Simply tell the guy you messed up your pills, and now your cycle is all messed up.  Genius.

I don’t lie about my period often, as it’s usually easier just to tell the guy you’re not interested.  But sometimes that ace card comes in handy.  Earlier this month, I went on another date with the nice-but-lacks-fireworks guy called Sam Adams.  At the end of the date, his hands started to get overly friendly, and I pushed them away.  He was persistent.  “It’s a bad time of the month,” I lied.

Apparently Sam had been expecting this.  “I was wondering when you would get your period.  I figured it would be last week or this week,” he said.  Umm, really??   He’s tracking my menstrual cycle now?  “How long does it usually last?” Sam asked.

“Uh, like five days.”  I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation.

Sam did the math.  “Great, so if we go out on Friday next week, it will be over.”  Um, we’ll see about that, Sam.

Apparently women’s periods are a great point of concern among men.  There is even a popular iPhone app called PMSBuddy, designed to give men forewarning when their girlfriend’s period—and dreaded PMS symptoms—are due.  Conveniently the app also has the ability to locate the nearest flower shop.

Girls – have you ever had a pretend period?

Guys – do you try to track your girlfriend’s periods?  Would you actually use an iPhone app like PMSBuddy?

Advertisements

March 22, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.

2 Comments

  1. Jills replied:

    This reminds me of scene from the move What Women Want (or, at least, I think that’s what movie this is from). In one part, some advertising executives are pitching ideas for a Tylenol commercial. One of the ideas is a commercial where a man starts to snuggle up next to a woman, and she says: “Not tonight, honey. I have a terrible headache,” and she takes a Tylenol. Then a voiceover says: “Tylenol — so gentle, you can take it when you don’t need to” or something like that. So I guess the pretend headache is a variation of the pretend period 🙂

  2. How to pretend you’re NOT having your period « stilettosoncobblestone replied:

    […] while back I blogged about the “Pretend Period”—a little red lie we girls tell to guys when we want to avoid getting busy.  But what about […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: