Ex Sex

By Parker Lee

Though not an original topic (in fact, apparently there are even rules, most of which I agree with entirely), the act of ex sex is still really something of a mystery.

So you’ve determined that he’s not the one – the two of you simply are not meant to be.  You split up your assets: you take your toothbrush home and give him and back that undershirt that you know you didn’t really look as cute in as he said you did anyway.  Those things are always so boxy.

But then, in the most contradictory of moves, you  soon solicit a booty call… and that inevitably becomes a series of booty calls.  I’ve determined that the amount of time you’re with a guy is directly correlated to the amount of time that you continue to have ex sex after the break up. Generally, that positive correlation looks something like this:

In real life, for me, it actually looks more like this:

So what is it – that ‘je ne sais quoi’ – that makes ex sex so appealing?  Most of the reasons are fairly salient: he’s familiar, you’re comfortable with him, he knows what you like, etc.… But then there are also those that might not be so obvious:

Six-Pack Check: He put on 12 pounds while you were together – I always like to give it a month or so and see whether he’s gotten his abs back.  I still don’t know whether I should be insulted if he has.

Riding Bareback:  Condoms: a necessary evil – but not if you’ve already done it without them 800 times.

Shaving Cream Conservation:  At the end of the day, you want him to remember you in your ideal state, but he’s seen what emerges with a full moon before, so what’s the harm?

And most importantly…

Avoiding List Additions:  Recently, Daphne and I hosted a List Party (inspired by that Duke chick) – we had some girls over and we all viewed one another’s PowerPoint presentations of the men we’ve slept with.

Great party theme – but also a rude reminder that if this trajectory continues exponentially, you might end up competing in the numbers game with, like, Ron Jeremy.  Who wants to be on the same playing field with that hideous werewolf of a being?  I don’t even want to practice there.

What are your reasons for going back for ex sex?

March 4, 2011. Uncategorized.

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