“The Spark”: Do you have to feel it right away?

by Daphne Reese

Sometimes when you first meet someone, you feel an instant connection and a strong physical response to their very presence.  I absolutely believe in Love at First Sight, or more accurately, Lust at First Sight.  It’s only happened to me twice, but both times I realized almost instantly, within hours of meeting the guy, that he would be someone special in my life.  Truly falling in love with someone requires a lot more time to get to know someone, of course, as well as compatibility and precise timing.  However, that initial “spark” of the first meeting is very real, even if it fades over time.  But how important is it to feel the spark?  And if you don’t feel it right away, can it grow over time?

As a romantic at heart, I’m in love with the idea of The Spark.  There have been some men in my past that I initially overlooked and, over time, grew to be very fond of, but when I think of the Great Loves of my life, I almost invariably felt the spark immediately.  In one tragic case during my early twenties, I spent four years with a wonderful man, just waiting for the spark to come, but it never did.  However, despite my personal experiences, I don’t want to be too quick to dismiss any man just because of something as intangible as lack of spark.  In fact, research shows that a lot of women end up marrying men that they initially didn’t like very much, so don’t be afraid to give that guy a second chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic  because I recently started dating a sweet, romantic guy whom Teddy has dubbed “Sam Adams,” due to his uncanny resemblance to the man on the beer bottles and his penchant for wearing vests.   Unfortunately for Sam, I have yet to feel the spark.  But I have a great time hanging out with him, so I’ve been trying to give him a chance.  So far, we’ve been on five dates, and he is laying on the charm—wooing me with flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners, and even poetry—but sadly I’m starting to admit to myself that I’m just never going to fall in love with him, as much as I feel like I should.

So, what’s a girl to do?  Should I keep dating him, enjoy the chocolates and roses, and give him a little more time to grow on me?  Or is it hopeless and I should just let him go before he gets hurt?  Should I sleep with him (which I haven’t done yet), to see if that changes things?  Vote in the poll below!  Luckily, next week’s Coast-to-Coast Ex-Boyfriend Tour will get me out of town for a while and off the hook from making a decision right away, but I sense my grace period may be running out soon.

March 1, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.


  1. Jills replied:

    I voted impulsively. Now I’m second guessing myself.

    At first I voted to cut him loose because, in my personal experience, the spark matters a lot. I once dated a guy because he was a wonderful man who I thought would grow on me, but in the end I couldn’t fake a feeling that wasn’t there from the beginning. (It sounds a bit like what you went through, Daphne.)

    But I’m rethinking that vote because it was just one experience, and what the hell do I know? So I tried to change it to “give him a couple more dates,” but the computer wouldn’t let me.

    I’m not surprised that a lot of women end up marrying men they didn’t really like at first, but I have to wonder: how many of them were settling because of societal or biological pressure? Is settling even a bad thing?

  2. Dave replied:

    Yeah I think you should cut him loose. You’ve already tried the experiment of waiting for the spark to come later. It failed. Chemistry is so important for a relationship, and if it’s not there, I don’t think it makes sense to hope for it to materialize.

  3. Pretend Period « stilettosoncobblestone replied:

    […] But sometimes that ace card comes in handy.  Earlier this month, I went on another date with the nice-but-lacks-fireworks guy called Sam Adams.  At the end of the date, his hands started to get overly friendly, and I pushed […]

  4. Daphne Reese replied:

    Thanks for your votes and comments! I ended up going out with Sam Adams another time or two, but then I broke things off, accepting the fact that I was just never going to be that into him.

    I’m still trying to keep my mind open to the possibility of the spark growing over time, but my own experiences seem to keep reinforcing my theory that I’m just one of those people who feels the spark right away or not at all.

  5. Pupu sampler: Daphne tries dating an Asian guy « stilettosoncobblestone replied:

    […] so we met at a bar, and he was exactly as he had seemed on his profile.  I didn’t really feel a spark, but I did enjoy talking with him over drinks.  Basically, he was everything I was looking for in […]

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