Pretend Period

by Daphne Reese

For any guys reading this blog, I’m about to blow the lid off a well-kept female secret—the pretend period.  It’s always the perfect excuse to easily avoid any unwanted intimate situations.  Just tell the guy you’re having your period, and voila, he instantly backs off.  It’s not like he’s going to check.

In the rare case where you run into an eager beaver who tells you he doesn’t care about the blood, you can always feign disgust.  “Ew, really?” and make it clear to him that it ain’t happening tonight.  Or probably ever, to be honest.  Because once you reach the point where you’re so desperate to avoid the guy that you’re lying about your menstrual cycle, you know things are pretty much over.

The big limitation with the period excuse is timing: it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card that is valid only for a 5-day stretch once per month.  The guy will rightfully become suspicious if you feign your flow one week, only to have your period again (perhaps for real this time) the following week.  However, Parker has identified the perfect work-around to this limitation—birth control pills.  Simply tell the guy you messed up your pills, and now your cycle is all messed up.  Genius.

I don’t lie about my period often, as it’s usually easier just to tell the guy you’re not interested.  But sometimes that ace card comes in handy.  Earlier this month, I went on another date with the nice-but-lacks-fireworks guy called Sam Adams.  At the end of the date, his hands started to get overly friendly, and I pushed them away.  He was persistent.  “It’s a bad time of the month,” I lied.

Apparently Sam had been expecting this.  “I was wondering when you would get your period.  I figured it would be last week or this week,” he said.  Umm, really??   He’s tracking my menstrual cycle now?  “How long does it usually last?” Sam asked.

“Uh, like five days.”  I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation.

Sam did the math.  “Great, so if we go out on Friday next week, it will be over.”  Um, we’ll see about that, Sam.

Apparently women’s periods are a great point of concern among men.  There is even a popular iPhone app called PMSBuddy, designed to give men forewarning when their girlfriend’s period—and dreaded PMS symptoms—are due.  Conveniently the app also has the ability to locate the nearest flower shop.

Girls – have you ever had a pretend period?

Guys – do you try to track your girlfriend’s periods?  Would you actually use an iPhone app like PMSBuddy?

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March 22, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Ex Sex

By Parker Lee

Though not an original topic (in fact, apparently there are even rules, most of which I agree with entirely), the act of ex sex is still really something of a mystery.

So you’ve determined that he’s not the one – the two of you simply are not meant to be.  You split up your assets: you take your toothbrush home and give him and back that undershirt that you know you didn’t really look as cute in as he said you did anyway.  Those things are always so boxy.

But then, in the most contradictory of moves, you  soon solicit a booty call… and that inevitably becomes a series of booty calls.  I’ve determined that the amount of time you’re with a guy is directly correlated to the amount of time that you continue to have ex sex after the break up. Generally, that positive correlation looks something like this:

In real life, for me, it actually looks more like this:

So what is it – that ‘je ne sais quoi’ – that makes ex sex so appealing?  Most of the reasons are fairly salient: he’s familiar, you’re comfortable with him, he knows what you like, etc.… But then there are also those that might not be so obvious:

Six-Pack Check: He put on 12 pounds while you were together – I always like to give it a month or so and see whether he’s gotten his abs back.  I still don’t know whether I should be insulted if he has.

Riding Bareback:  Condoms: a necessary evil – but not if you’ve already done it without them 800 times.

Shaving Cream Conservation:  At the end of the day, you want him to remember you in your ideal state, but he’s seen what emerges with a full moon before, so what’s the harm?

And most importantly…

Avoiding List Additions:  Recently, Daphne and I hosted a List Party (inspired by that Duke chick) – we had some girls over and we all viewed one another’s PowerPoint presentations of the men we’ve slept with.

Great party theme – but also a rude reminder that if this trajectory continues exponentially, you might end up competing in the numbers game with, like, Ron Jeremy.  Who wants to be on the same playing field with that hideous werewolf of a being?  I don’t even want to practice there.


What are your reasons for going back for ex sex?

March 4, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

“The Spark”: Do you have to feel it right away?

by Daphne Reese

Sometimes when you first meet someone, you feel an instant connection and a strong physical response to their very presence.  I absolutely believe in Love at First Sight, or more accurately, Lust at First Sight.  It’s only happened to me twice, but both times I realized almost instantly, within hours of meeting the guy, that he would be someone special in my life.  Truly falling in love with someone requires a lot more time to get to know someone, of course, as well as compatibility and precise timing.  However, that initial “spark” of the first meeting is very real, even if it fades over time.  But how important is it to feel the spark?  And if you don’t feel it right away, can it grow over time?

As a romantic at heart, I’m in love with the idea of The Spark.  There have been some men in my past that I initially overlooked and, over time, grew to be very fond of, but when I think of the Great Loves of my life, I almost invariably felt the spark immediately.  In one tragic case during my early twenties, I spent four years with a wonderful man, just waiting for the spark to come, but it never did.  However, despite my personal experiences, I don’t want to be too quick to dismiss any man just because of something as intangible as lack of spark.  In fact, research shows that a lot of women end up marrying men that they initially didn’t like very much, so don’t be afraid to give that guy a second chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic  because I recently started dating a sweet, romantic guy whom Teddy has dubbed “Sam Adams,” due to his uncanny resemblance to the man on the beer bottles and his penchant for wearing vests.   Unfortunately for Sam, I have yet to feel the spark.  But I have a great time hanging out with him, so I’ve been trying to give him a chance.  So far, we’ve been on five dates, and he is laying on the charm—wooing me with flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners, and even poetry—but sadly I’m starting to admit to myself that I’m just never going to fall in love with him, as much as I feel like I should.

So, what’s a girl to do?  Should I keep dating him, enjoy the chocolates and roses, and give him a little more time to grow on me?  Or is it hopeless and I should just let him go before he gets hurt?  Should I sleep with him (which I haven’t done yet), to see if that changes things?  Vote in the poll below!  Luckily, next week’s Coast-to-Coast Ex-Boyfriend Tour will get me out of town for a while and off the hook from making a decision right away, but I sense my grace period may be running out soon.

March 1, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 5 comments.